There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
