I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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