Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
