I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
