I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
