a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
