Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
