like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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