Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
