my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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