I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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