sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
