false alarm. still invincible.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
