My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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