my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
