EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize