i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize