Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
