The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
