no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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