I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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