she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
someone owes me an orgasm
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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