you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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