I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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