and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
