so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
