when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
