Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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