I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
