apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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