that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
