We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
