Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
