dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
