does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
