it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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