I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
