Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
