I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
