Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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