If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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