I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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