I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
