So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
