There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
