I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
