I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
