Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize