apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
