If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
