So drunk, too bad you don't want this
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
