Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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