There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
