Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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