positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
