do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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