i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
