Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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