It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
