What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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