capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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