just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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