I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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