Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize