She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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