worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
3pm strippers are depressing
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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