How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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