Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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